mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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