I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
