I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
