i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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