I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
you didnt know i had herpes?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
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