I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
