I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize
