how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
