God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'm getting married
To pizza
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
