It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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