he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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