i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
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My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
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White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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