I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
