She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
