You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
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