i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
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