I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
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