On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
