you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
