no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
where are you?
Hypothermia
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
