Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
40s are totally the cure
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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