remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
