don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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