well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
