I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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