Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
