happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
