just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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