Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
