either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
