I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
