I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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