This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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