Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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