you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
