Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
