if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
