It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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