I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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