I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
