I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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