3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
