She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You are the jesus of drinking
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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