I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
