did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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