...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
