I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
