Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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