Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
