I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
