Your face is a jimmy john
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Randomize
