I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
