Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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