I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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