Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
