I met the friendliest cop last night
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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