i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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