Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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